Category Archives: Lobby Book

Originally appeared in the Perkins Lobby Suggestion Book.

Lobby Book

When will the bleeding stop?

When will the bleeding stop?  It’s been 20 minutes. [3578C]

[written in answer space:  Depends on the debit. You have circa 5 liters.  By the time all of it has gone on the ground, you should be done.  However, loss of consciousness may occur before, so please make sure that a friend times the whole process and engraves the result on your tombstone.  That would greatly help the AP next time.]

It’s taken me so long to answer you and I haven’t had to step over any bodies entering or exiting the building, so I guess it all worked out. In the future, though, you might want to call 911.

Lobby Book, Quotations

How much wood indeed?!

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck (if a woodchuck could chuck wood)? [3572A]

[written in answer space: as much wood as a woodchuck could (if a woodchuck could chuck wood).

Absolutely none. An average maul weighs eight pounds. Even with a woodchuck’s seasonal weight fluctuation, do you think an animal that weighs maybe ten pounds itself (and that’s at its chubby autumn weight) without opposable thumbs (for goodness sakes!) could hoist an eight pound maul over its head and bring it down with enough force to split a log? That’s just silly!

Duke Libraries, Lobby Book

A little bit of housekeeping

Why is it that both East and West housekeepers never seem to work, but always seem to get away with it?  Then complain about how much work they have? [3571C]

[written in answer space:  One word, bucko–unionization.  Call in the Pinkertons, I dare say!]

If you have specific criticisms or compliments regarding housekeeping, in Perkins/Bostock you should contact Keith Wooten, Housekeeping Supervisor, directly at keith.wooten@duke.edu or 684.5921.

Duke Libraries, Lobby Book

Still passionate about library access!

Dear AP,

I previously wrote a question asking why we students don’t have after-hours card access to this door (the door by this book).  Although I haven’t seen a response yet, I just tried my card, and it works now!  If this improvement was your doing in response to that question, then thank you! [3572C]

My pleasure (I believe you’re referring to “Passionate about library access!“).

Culture, Language, Lobby Book

What are these kids listening to today?!

What are you going to do with all that junk, all that junk inside that trunk? [3574A]

[written in answer space:  ima get get get get get you drunk]

Thanks for your assistance, Scribbler.  But don’t forget work; She’s gonna make make make you work.  OK, I was going to launch into a vituperation on the sad state of musical lyrics today, when these lyrics from Led Zeppelin’s The Lemon Song popped into my head:

Squeeze me, babe, ’till the juice runs down my leg
The way you squeeze my lemon
I’m gonna fall right outta bed

Followed by the incredibly enlightened chorus:

Yeah
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
Juice, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby
Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby
Hey, babe, babe, babe, babe, oh, no

Well, you get the picture.

Food, Lobby Book

Simply red

Do different color M&M’s taste differently?  Why do people love red M&M’s if it isn’t their favorite color? [3581C]

The flavor – if there is any (see my earlier post: Soooooo delectable!) – is from the chocolate.  If people love red M&Ms, it’s because the color projects strength and passion.  Red is said to raise metabolic rates, which is why stop signs and lights are red.

Food, Lobby Book

Taste the rainbow

How many skittles are there in a bag?  Is is always the same amount?  What is the most preferred flavor? [3581B]

That’s impossible to answer, since Skittles come in a variety of bag sizes. I’m not sure what the most preferred flavor is, but my preference is for Orange Skittles Vodka.

Just silly, Lobby Book

Sexy fonts

You should change to a fancier font.  Arial just doesn’t cut it. [3580C]

[written in other hand:  Agreed.  Arial sucks.  If you must, at least use Helvetica.]

That seems a bit harsh, Secret Scribbler.  Sans serif fonts generally get a bad rap for their lack of flair.  That said, if you had to look at Goudy Stout all the time, you’d probably get sick of that too.  Also, we’re limited by the somewhat primitive program we use for the online version.

Food, Lobby Book

Soooooo delectable!

Why are mashed potatoes with butter soooooo delectable? [3570A]

[written in answer space:  “They ain’t mashed potatoes ma, aight?!” –B.I.G.]

Americans, at least, are conditioned to crave the unholy trinity of fat, sugar, and salt.  And mashed potatoes have them all!