Running Hot and Cold

Why is this library so cold? I want 1st prize for the most original question. Ans.: Nine air handling systems working independently more or less. First prize, a pair of bunny earmuffs, awaits you at the Circulation Desk.

Ever considered providing down jackets to Perkins users in the summer months?

Ans.: Balaclava headgear and polypropylene underwear (all tested in Antarctica) can be rented at the Circulation Desk. Proceeds go to advance frostbite research and to assist in financing prosthesis devices when amputation is required.

Last semester the Gothic Reading Room was boiling and now it’s freezing. Can you get a balance, please?

Ans.: This occurs annually on the day of the winter solstice and lasts approximately 59 minutes. You may miss it this year because our staff astrologer predicts the event for 3:12 a.m. during intercession. Your observation will, nevertheless, be passed on to Physical Plant.

Does the Library have to be so cold!

Ans. from another patron: Yes — to stay awake.

Ans.: Like the Maine weatherman says, “If you don’t like the weather, wait a minute, it’ll change.”

All summer your lobby was positively arctic in temp — now it’s tropical!

Ans.: Blame it on the bulge in the equator. Because of it, the lobby is geographically anomalous. Those tour buses that are out front of the Chapel actually carry physicists and other scientists from all over to view our lobby. Jacques Cousteau is coming in next week.

Please don’t keep the computer room downstairs so cold — my fingers would barely move down there due to the chill.

Ans.: You’re not considering the computer’s comfort. Those floppy disks like it cold. The reserve reading desk will gladly equip you with a snowmobile suit. Gloves are extra; only $8.75 per hour, each glove.

Sgt. Preston of the Yukon (RCMP, Canada) here! This building reminds me of the arctic cold back there!

Ans.: Your comments will be forwarded to Physical Plant. Quick! What was Sgt. Preston’s dog’s name?

Answer from another patron: `On, King! On, you huskies!”

Ans.: Correct. For your knowledge of this essential fact you qualify to be shot out of a cannon loaded with Quaker Puffed Oats.

In here freezing!! Me catch cold, feel gloomy.

Ans.: Venturing into Perkins is a bit like a summer’s climb in the Rockies. Be prepared for extremes of temperature; wear layers.