What happened to the good ol’ days when people made humorous suggestions instead of petty complaints? Oops. I hope that wasn’t another complaint.

Ans.: Often the complaints, once we work on them, help us do our work better. Besides even the complaints have their humorous side. However, don’t believe the canard that library staff laugh riotously as each day’s selection of suggestions/complaints is passed around prior to being filed circularly.

The other day I was down in the newspaper room on the basement level. It was quite early in the morning and, as the attendant was in the office, I was alone. I must have dozed off for a minute, because when I looked at my arm, I saw that there was some kind of a stoat, or vole or something gnawing at my wrist. As soon as I moved, the thing leapt for the shelf with the Australian newspapers on it, and disappeared. They must have some sort of nest or den or whatever they usually live in back there. Could something be done about this?

Ans.: This marsupial (it did have a pouch didn’t it?) is a member of the advance colony from the Rupert Murdoch Institute for the Propagation of the Australian Life Style. Perkins Library is cooperating with the Institute’s colonization efforts because these voracious creatures, as part of their “Americanization,” are trained to seek out and devour Pepperidge Farm cookies, Wrigley’s gum, Cheese-Its, Mars bars, etc., and to guzzle Sprite and Pepsi. We’ll notify the appropriate folks about this initial, apparently misdirected, cannibalistic encounter.

In all my years as an undergraduate (4 to be exact — all of them passé), I’ve noticed that the ___________(noun) on the 3rd floor could use a good ______(verb). In addition, more secure _______(noun) and ________(adj.) chairs in the ________(Location) could do some good. Signed, ______(name).

Ans.: Your ______ needs ______. Perhaps _____ is the answer. Smilingly yours, _____.

That @#%! bell that rings at 11:45 p.m. scares the #&!@ out of me. It startles me, which is fine because it wakes me up, but it’s useless because we’ve only got 15 min. left to study. How about ringing that @#%! thing around nine-ish so it’ll keep us going for another few hours. Then at 11:45, you could have some “cheerful chimes” to indicate that the end of hell has come.

Ans.: Sunday thru Wednesday that bell now signals an extra two hours of suffering available in the “old” building, until 2 a.m.

Once again the light bulbs on the fourth floor (near bathrooms) have been spontaneously exploding (atmospheric stress?) and disappearing or disintegrating into thin air. Could they be replenished or replaced with more permanent fixtures?

Ans.: Or, as another reason for their disappearance, someone’s apartment is in need of new bulbs. We’ll ask for replacements.

Please draw and quarter the person who rings the bell at closing time. It’s far too loud to be drawn out so long.

Ans.: Ropes and four hearty Clydesdales await this individual. We’ll send this on to the people who can do something about it. Thank you.

In all my years of using the Public Documents room, I cannot help but be bothered by the buzzing light. Please, please fix the light. I hate the noise so much. I’ll give you my first-born child if you fix it. (Do you see how desperate I am?)

Ans.: Leave the first-born, well-diapered and fed, at the control desk. A request to fix the buzzing (we suspect faulty “ballasts”) went out November 15.

Well, it’s about time you people got rid of the study carrels in the basement and the sub-basement. Imagine the idea of a library being a place where students and faculty could study! Now that the carrels are gone let’s get rid of all of the chairs in Perkins, which will further prevent all of the students from studying or doing any research. After the chairs ban all students and faculty from the library and then Perkins will be just the way you want it, empty of human beings!

Ans.: Your statement is reminiscent of the Harvard librarian who, when encountered by his Dean on the Quad, said things were going well in the library. There was one book checked out and he was going now to get it back!