I wish the library would either abandon or enforce its food & drink restrictions; I am tired of being the only person in the stacks who doesn’t have a soda & snack. I pride myself on being a law-abiding citizen, but I don’t know how much longer I can resist the temptation to munch along with the rest of the herd.

Ans.: Hold on. Don’t give in. Chapters of Cola Anonymous, Tough Cookie, and Pizzanon are being established in the stacks. Seriously, your restraint is appreciated. If self-regulation doesn’t improve, a patrol may be necessary.

How come the list of Library Rules and Regulations says to conceal all food & drinks past the front desk and then when we do, we’re told we can’t have any food or drink in the library at all.

Ans.: Food and drink, properly covered, can be transported through, but not consumed in the library. The rules provide, for example for students who carry their lunch with them while studying and plan to eat it outside of the library.

Did you ever notice that the 4th floor study carrels near the north side windows resemble the seating configuration of a jet airplane? Does this mean refreshments and movies will be shown? If so, please post a schedule of flights and departure times!

Ans.: While flights depart daily, you may want to think twice — the in-flight movies are “Introduction to the Dewey Decimal Classification System” and “Filing Rules for One and All.”

Diet Coke has no nutritional value, and, therefore, can’t increase the spread of cockroaches. Why is it morally objectionable or even against the rules to sneak the stuff in?

Ans.: Chubby cockroaches, seeking sleekness, love the stuff.

Who was the crazy person dribbling the basketball through the stacks on 4th floor on the 27th? A new recruit?

Ans.: That was Agent X-7 of the library Food and Drink Police insinuating himself into the Pepperidge Farm and Soho scene, gathering evidence for the end of semester confiscation extravaganza.

I am a prospective freshman. I just wanted to say that trash display impressed the hell out of me. None of the Ivy league schools display their trash. What a school — great trash and great basketball.

I think it is time to remove the trash display. The banana has turned brown, thoroughly rotted, and has become organic material. Furthermore, the dead roaches have dried out an are no longer “cute.” Unless you are trying to turn this into a science project, let’s not scare away prospective applicants. It’s enough. We’ve got the message.

I feel compelled to comment on the rather tasteless display in the lobby. It makes me lose my appetite for studying, and it’s really lost its shock effect. Is it our fault that Orkin can’t get ride of the cockroaches?! (Spontaneous generation is a myth!)

Alright, the point is made, now clean the garbage out of the display case.

Who eats all the confiscated food?

Ans.: Heinz and Schluperl do. They’re our afternoon Dobermans. We find they really enjoy their jobs after a dose of Pepperidge Farm and Mountain Dew.

Hey, like I just heard that when Kennedy made his speech in Germany and said “Ich bin ein Berliner: that he should have said “Ich bin Berliner.” It’s like saying “I am a frankfurter” instead of “I’m from Frankfurt.” A “Berliner” is some type of jelly donut.

Ans.: You must be from New England, the land of franks and beans. In Derm they’re hot dawgs.

I was studying in Germany last summer. In the library there at the University was a cafeteria. The food was not confined to the cafeteria, either. After getting rid of the card catalogue you should open one to compete with DUFS. With all the food that makes its way into the stacks anyway you guys should make money off of it. I think it would be a success. Just one thing, though — try to copy Morrison’s, not McDonald’s.

Ans.: A creative use of the empty care catalog: to adjust it so that coins, deposited, open particular drawers; reach in and pull out a plate of macaroni and cheese, or a pot of paella, or for the Germanic, a chocolate bar and can of beer.

Why are we forced to eat & drink in Perkins? I think it’s coercive. Sometimes I’m not hungry or thirsty, or I just want to study, but NOOOOO, I have to eat & drink in the library. Perhaps you could just let us leave food among the books on the shelves.

Ans.: O.K. For this one week you can leave chocolate bunnies and Easter eggs in the book stacks. Remember that the library takes its in loco parentis role seriously. We have letters from many students’ mothers praising us for our nutrition campaign. Now, go back and eat that plate of collards and ham hocks, hear?

If a chicken and a half
lays an egg and a half
every day and a half,
how many pancakes would it
require to shingle a 3′ x 4′
dog house in 6 days. (Hint: you get
all the Bisquick you need)

Ans.: Are these Swedish, Buckwheat, Flapjack, Corn Meal, Sourdough, potato or sour cream pancakes?

Here’s a good one: The answer is chicken Teriyaki. You have to guess the question.

Ans. from another patron: What was the fate of the chicken that ate Chicago?

Ans.: “What’s the name of the oldest living Kamikaze pilot?”

Everybody’s talking about putting a fast food joint in the Bryan Center. I think it would do a lot better if they put it here next to, say, the Graduate Reading Room. Think of all the money you could rake in! You could put Ronald McDonald at the Circulation Desk, Mayor McCheese at Reference!

Ans.: Just think, we might even get the Ray Kroc Archives located here.

Who is the little boy I always see running around the third-level stacks late at night? There are rumors that he is some sort of lost soul searching for his long-dead parents…Is this true?

Ans.: That’s the phantom from Pizza Hut. He never could find the person who ordered the anchovy and peanut butter supreme.

Why can’t we bring food into the stacks, even though we already do?

Ans.: Would you believe we really get off on confiscating food and drinks; it gives us a power high? No? How about that food and drink can mess up books and furniture and attract creatures that eat books? No? How about it not being any fun sitting in a carrel where someone has just, evidently, finished a milkshake and cheeseburger? And, of course, what about the in loco parentis role to wean students from eating in between meals?

Why not impose the death penalty for those who bring food and/or drink into the library?

Ans.: You haven’t heard? The guillotine out back is almost ready.

I feel that it is my duty to explain that brief power shortage today. I was diligently working in the stacks when I heard a canned soda being opened somewhere near me. Upon subsequent investigation I discovered a Trinity male sophomore drinking a Dr. Pepper. I dutifully informed him he was disrupting my peace and violating library rules. He ignored me — commenting on a place I should go. Well, I repeated my request. He once again refused. I felt I was left with no choice so I plugged in my Star Trek phase gun and set it on “Kill.” I then gave him one more chance to repent. When he refused, I nuked him. I realized that I might have just caused World War III by violating several laws prohibiting the peace-time use of nuclear weapons. I regret my actions but feel they were justified under the circumstances — there is now one less noisy, soda-drinking student to disturb the confines of Perkins. Have you a response to my actions?? Beam me up, Scotty.
Capt. James T. Kirk
Commander, Starship Enterprise, NCC-1701

Ans.: Message received. Report to Supreme Command Headquarters for the Bernie Goetz Award and a recharge of your Phaser.