Sex in the Stacks

And now the musical question! Why do fools fall in love? Ans.: Is it for the same reason why little birds sing?

Since so many undergraduates insist on copulating in Perkins, you should be a pal and throw some mattresses here and there in the stacks — if you can’t beat `em…

Ans.: Your comment suggests:
a) that the end of the semester is upon us, and,
b) that you are extraordinarily perceptive and have anticipated the Library’s Christmas party fund raiser: Rent-a-Sealy.

Well my goodness, it’s finals time and I thought the library was supposed to be overflowing with gorgeous guys. Where are they, please, we need them.

Ans.: It’s interesting to note from this and other comments that finals are coincident with the mating urge. We wonder how Maslow (of the hierarchy of human needs fame) would explain that.

Why do Freshmen men love junior women?

Answers from other patrons: I don’t know, but I’m a Senior woman and I love sophomore guys. How do you explain that?
Who are you?

Have you ever been laid in the library?

Ans.: Oooh!! Now you’ve done it! This page is being sent to the In Loco Parentis Committee on Naughty Words for handwriting and fingerprint analysis. Expect a visit soon and being grounded for at least two weeks.

Where in the library would it be fascinating for a young promiscuous couple to have sex? Before you refuse to answer the question consider we are seniors and have little time left at this institution, and simply want to experience everything there is to do, in an intellectual fashion, of course!

Ans.: We’ve heard of the “Missionary Position” but what is the “Intellectual Fashion”?

Is there an undergraduate requirement of sex in the stacks? I fear that I’m unlikely to be able to fill this prerequisite for graduation.

Ans.: Requirement? No! Wishful thinking?, si!

Where is the best place to “do it” in the stacks?

Ditto! I am also curious about this (and don’t say you don’t know what “it” is)

Ans.: Lucubration is happily facilitated in some 800 locations throughout Perkins.

I lost my virginity and boyhood innocence somewhere in the lower 800s… have you seen it?

Ans.: Look in the upper 300s, the sexual hygiene books or in 640 (Domestic Arts and Science).

Where’s the best place to have sex in Perkins Library? (Not most popular, mind you — the best). This is no joke.

Ans.: Rumor has it there is a rain barrel on Perkins roof which you may wish to explore for your recreational purposes.

What is actually meant by the term Duke dating relationship?

Ans.: Something platonic, one would hope.

Does God let us use other positions, other than missionary?

Ans.: If you’re right with God, any position is O.K. Ascertaining one’s rightness can be difficult, however.

What happened to all the good looking people that used to study on the 1st floor??

Ans.: They o.d.’d on Pepperidge Farm and Soho and are enrolled in the dietary rehab program at Duke Hospital.

Why do people claim that “discovering girls” and the consequences are worthwhile?

Ans.: Consider the consequences of a reversal — Economic doom for: Valentine’s Day, country and western music stations, wedding bureaus, waterbeds, motels, his and her clothing, florists, justices of the peace, shotguns (for the bride’s father), love seats, shaving lotion, divorce court, alimony, etc. Hmm. Maybe you’re onto something.

Do librarians make better lovers?

Ans.: They make novel lovers.

A visit to Clemson over Fall Break yielded this observation: they have a preponderance of beautiful coeds. Perhaps we could relax our admission standards?

Comment from another patron: We already have relaxed our admission standards for men and look where that’s gotten us!!

Ans.: Your statement suggests a presumed correlation of some sort between intelligence and physical beauty. Or is this a matter of the grass being greener?

Do librarians ever have any fun?

Ans.: No doubt carrying on one Librarian’s tradition (Casanova), every librarian knows where the “good parts” are in the books we supply.

I need some lovin’!

Ans: This sounds like the opening verse of a blues song. You may be on your way to a career in musicals because of writing in the Library’s Suggestion/Answer Book.

Do you think I could get away with fooling around with my girlfriend in the stacks?

Ans.: That probably depends more on your girlfriend than it does on us.

This is more of a question. Whenever I go down to the basement I see all these books by Jane. Weapon Systems, Terrain Vehicles, etc. Who is this chick and how can I meet her? How does she know so much anyway?

Ans.: We aren’t so sure you would really want to meet this Jane today — he died in 1916. Although Fred T. Jane may have been fun at parties (he did invent, after all, the Naval War Game), he probably didn’t go to many as he was too busy learning all those things and writing books. He started Jane’s Fighting Ships and All the World’s Aircraft, which continue today as annual publications, along with the titles you noted (Weapons Systems, etc.).

Is it sheer coincidence, or masochist humor that the metal gates to the book thief detectors are at, oh say, 6 inches below the bellybutton of the average male?

Ans.: The Admissions Office has been inevitably informed. New classes will, inevitably, have high SATs but will be significantly shorter in stature.

Provide dating programs through the Library and get some of these tools a bit of life!

Ans.: The computer clusters, once they achieve virtual reality, will provide dating booths for the lonely.

Promote the hot blonde babe in Newspapers/Microforms.

Ans.: We do, but not because of her appearance rather because of her considerable abilities in organizing, managing, and providing services to users.

Is a quick jab to the midsection the best way to get rid of an unwanted friend of the opposite sex?

Ans.: It beats a sharp stick in the eye.

Are the anti-theft book sensors, which are suspiciously placed at mid-section level, harmful to a person’s reproductive capacity?

Answer from another patron: This is Duke. Does it matter?

Ans.: Procreation is indeed important for those students who graduate. The Alumni Office assures us of this. Likewise, be assured that the height of the turn stile is meant to inhibit only temporarily the mating instinct.

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Ans.: Bird seed on your collar? Suet balls for earrings? Whatever, “just like me, they long to be, close to you.”

 

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