Originally appeared in the Perkins Lobby Suggestion Book.
Crossed out: How long does it take to answer a question? 1/16/07
[Written below:] Is [Duke student name] the most sexual food? [3339A]
These days, it seems to take about a month. Well, really only a few minutes, but there’s usually a lag while I let them ripen before I answer. 2/14/2007
Likening someone to food is somewhat demeaning, don’t you think? Where’s your civility?
Where are the tunnels? How do we get to them? What were they used for? Thanks. [3338C]
1. They’re underground. 2. You have to break in. 3. They have dangerous utility conduits, such as hot water pipes and electrical transmission cables. Refer, for instance, to answers 3231C, 3193B, and 3274B. If these have been rotated out of this book, then check online.
Which student librarian is the coolest? [Male name], right? [3338B]
Sorry, but here at the library we don’t play favorites among our student workers. He’s one among many cool students.
Would Achilles or Odysseus win in a fight between the two? [3338A]
Well, Brad Pitt played Achilles in the recent movie Troy, and Kirk Douglas played Odysseus (actually, Ulysses) in the 1950s Italian movie Ulysses (you might call this an early sort of spaghetti western, with dialogue from Italian actors dubbed into English — they showed that to us when we studied Greco-Roman civilization in high school; we also saw the movie version of Kiss Me Kate when studying Shakespeare). Anyway, I just don’t think Brad Pitt stacks up.
What is the prettiest color of underwear? [3337C]
I suppose it depends on whom it’s for, but since variety is the spice of life maybe every day there’s a different prettiest color (or maybe you need a drawer full of multi-colored polka-dot pairs). Your pink ink may be a hint to AP; for the ladies, that’s a choice that certainly can’t lose, and for the guys, something to remember for a Valentine’s gift.
Do androids dream of electric sheep? [3337B]
The more appropriate questions are, “Do androids dream?” or “Do androids sleep?” or “Do androids live in a world where everything is robotic and there are no biotic sheep to think about?” In any case, you count the sheep when you’re still awake in order to bore yourself into a state of drowsiness and may not ever dream about them, electric or biotic.
Who is [female Duke student]? [3337A]
There’s someone with that name in the public Duke directory, so you’re welcome to email her. But don’t be disappointed if she gives you the brush-off.
Imagine you are standing in the middle of a field. Surrounding you are an infinite number of children that are trying to attack you. Their goal is to kill you, and they have three hours to do it. Obviously, if these were 6 mo old infants you’d be able to fend them off the 3 hours and survive, but if they’re an infinite number of 10 year olds, they’re taking you down. My question is at what age would you not be able to fend them off the the three hours, resulting in your death? [3336C]
This sounds like a word problem that requires differential equations. AP’s math is rusty. Kids have a pretty short attention span, so I could outlast a group of 5 year olds who’d get bored in a few minutes. I’d have to worry about falling asleep; then even those just old enough to crawl can then tie me up, like Gulliver, and try to do me in (although I think Gulliver got loose easily enough).
Why is doodoo so delicious? [3336B]
My mother warned me about perverts like you. You might like Harry Potter candy, like the jelly beans in flavors such as vomit, dirt, and earthworm.
Please write something long, funny, and meaningles. [3336A]
Just start looking through this book from the beginning.